THE VIRUS VERSE
by Alan C. Robles

When my PC started quoting scripture, I knew I was in trouble.

There are only a few reasons why a computer would suddenly flash Matthew, chapter 6 verse 26, late at night:

1. It wants to be a member of the board of censors (though it might be overqualified);
2. It wants to go into TV evangelism (though it would need to buy some awful clothes);
3. It has the dreaded "V" word.

Briefly considering the first two possibilities, I settled on the third. I was aided to this conclusion by systematic reasoning, inductive analysis, and the discovery that my word processor has just been trashed. Then other programs went kaput.

Not every computer virus is heralded by a biblical quotation. This one -- let's call it Matthew -- goes around telling its victims to "Look at the birds in the sky/They do not sow or reap... " What it's ACTUALLY saying is "yea and verily are thine EXE files creamed."

Unruffled, I swung into action, coolly going through the standard procedures for such an emergency. First, I generated cold sweat on my brow at the regulation temperature and bead number. Next I utilized some of the language prescribed for the occasion -- and similar ones, such as when you see the faces of the President's appointees to Comelec. [1]

Having done that I went to the next stage: a carefully contrived total paralysis that ensures full concentration on the task at hand. This is best accomplished by staring blankly at the screen, with a vacuous expression on your face.

So there I was, rushing to meet several deadlines, and my computer fries itself. No word processor, no platform, no fax program. Instead the machine was going around popping Matthew 6:26 at me.

From my expert evaluation, based on roughly one part logic, four parts imagination and 900 parts paranoia, the virus seems to infect one program, which when used, spreads the Bad News for Modern Man to other programs.

Not only that, when it goes forth to multiply, Matthew is invisible to the usual virus detectors. My computer scans itself automatically each time it boots up, but it didn't catch this critter.

Furthermore, in an amazing development that I would NEVER consider making up, Matthew destroyed all the computer programs related to work, but spared all the games.

Now, some people might allege that I don't mind a virus which lets me off work. That's a canard. There's a time for work and a time for play. Besides I was afraid the virus would decide to go for the games anyway.

Well, it WAS a bit awkward, explaining what I was doing. "I'm not working because my computer has been struck by a nasty, bible-quoting virus. So why I playing 'Wolfenstein 3-D' just now? Well see, the virus (which is invisible) only infected my work programs."

Anyway, what sort of person would write a virus like this? Probably the type who goes on to write software for automatic teller machines. Ever try withdrawing from an ATM when it's acting up? The truth is it was PROGRAMMED to act like that by people who want to recall the virus-creating days of their of their twisted youth.

You know how encounters which such ATM's go. Some of these machines even have speakers and vaguely female voices. Try changing your personal identification number with a monster like that.

> Customer: This machine isn't working

> ATM (cheerfully): You have entered the wrong PIN. Please enter the correct code again

> Customer (punches number): I'm trying to CHANGE my PIN

> ATM: You have entered the wrong PIN

> Customer: Can't you understand? I'm changing my effing PIN

> ATM: You have entered the wrong PIN

> Customer: I'm changing your keyboard with this hammer

> ATM: You have been shot 6.25 times by the security guard. Have a nice day.

> Programmers of such machines go on to have successful careers in tabulating votes and computing BIR's revenues. [2]

So what did I do with my infected computer? I tried fixing it. Now some people, who lead trouble-fee lives and probably live in rent-controlled homes, can cheerfully solve their computer problems. If the problem is an infected hard disk, then they just pop in a backup copy of the programs and they're up and running.

My relations with PCs aren't quite like that. For me the procedures are a bit more complex.

1. I try reinstalling the program from diskettes.
2. I find out that the diskettes have bad sectors.
3. I try to fix the diskettes with other programs
4. I have to look for where I put the programs
5. I discover the disk drives are dirty
6. I look for cleaning disks.
7. I find the bottle of cleaning fluid is empty
8. I finally start reinstalling the program {see (1)}
9. I discover I need a "blank formatted disk"
10. My blank formatted disk isn't blank
11. The program that does the formatting is the one I'm trying to install {see (1)}

Usually I finish such simple procedures in time for the next presidential election.

Thankfully, ___________ of _________ broke this simple procedure by suggesting that I try out an anti-virus program called ___________. That same night, I used the fax/modem card in my computer, hooked it to my phone and called up several electronic bulletin boards. One of them had the program, so I downloaded it.

When I ran ___________ I found out that at least 50 programs in my hard disk had been infected. I cleaned them up. I still have to reinstall them but at least my hard drive is now Matthew free.

Now, you might ask, how did I run my fax/modem if my hard disk was infected? Simple. My supplier, ________________, lent me a hard disk full of programs. I disconnected my old drive and ran everything from the one I borrowed.

It wasn't my drive, but at least it was functioning and just in time to meet my deadlines. I plunged headlong back into computing and played several hours worth of "Dune 2: The Building of a Dynasty," an excellent wargame which I found on the drive I had borrowed. What a relief.

[1] Comelec - Commission on Elections, a government agency that oversees (mis)conduct of elections in the Philippines.

[2] BIR - Bureau of Internal Revenue, nobody else but the taxmen.

Snippets of this article were not allowed for publication by the Board of Censors for Computer Viruses. :)